For The Church

Your teenager has a secret life.

It’s not all bad. Secret crushes, prayers, wishes, hopes, and ambitions are all normal for young people with optimism about the future and an appropriate desire to become their own person.

However, some secrets should be revealed, not concealed.

• They may have secret insecurities, like questioning their salvation.
• They may have secret doubts about issues like the authority of Scripture.
• They may have secret disciplers—social media influencers who demean women and celebrate greed.
• They may have secret relationships—friends you would not approve of, or a boyfriend you have forbidden.
• They may have secret sins, like pornography or eating disorders.

Why Satan Likes Secrets

It’s easy to see why Satan would want your teenager to keep these struggles a secret. Throughout history, he has always schemed new ways to separate the immature from godly authority. That’s why the enemy of your children’s souls wants them to keep turning to TikTok and Quora for wisdom and counsel, rather than going to their own parents or youth pastor.

But these secrets come with a cost: “Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy” (Prov. 28:13).

So how do you crack open the secret life of your teenager? Ultimately it must be a work of the Lord.

Helping Teenagers Bring Secrets Into the Light

While my wife and I have made plenty of missteps in this stage of parenting, here are a few strategies we found especially effective in moving our teenagers from concealing to revealing their shameful secrets.

1. 1. Encourage Confession. Starting around age 11, I took each of my boys out for weekly “Bible Time.” We would grab a cheap breakfast or coffee treat, go through a book, and ask some accountability questions. And here was the key: I promised my boys that anything they confessed during Bible Time would receive amnesty. Sure, we may implement some common-sense changes to help them with their struggles, but there was no punishment for anything they voluntarily confessed. The message was clear: Confession will be met with grace.
   2. Establish Barriers. Pornography will find your children whether they’re looking for it or not. We put several layers of filtering on all our devices (Canopy being the best), and our only regret is that we didn’t do it earlier—really, as soon as our children were using any internet-capable device. It is important to know that filters need to be monitored carefully because—be warned—they don’t solve the problem of temptation. Some teenagers get an added thrill from getting around the filter and “outsmarting their parents.” Such is the nature of the sinful heart.
   3. Partner with your church. Your children keep secrets from you for two reasons: one, they love you deeply and crave your approval; and two, they fear the consequences of their sin being discovered. This is why I am so thankful for our church. The youth staff see a side of our children that we don’t see. Sometimes we get reports of how they welcome the newcomer and show deep spiritual earnestness, and we rejoice! Other times we are told that our child has been confronted for being a bully or a flirt—and this is where our response is key. If we rally to our teenager’s side and defend them from the youth staff—often with indignant phrases like “My son would never…” or “You don’t know him like I do”—we are stepping between our teenager and the people God is using to help him. We need to remember that adults don’t join youth staff so they can arbitrarily correct kids they don’t like. They join youth staff because they love these kids and want them to follow the Lord. If you receive a bad report about your child, take it seriously. Encourage them to listen to life-giving reproof so they may be wise (Prov. 15:31). If you privately believe the staff to be in error, support them in front of your children, and then address your concerns in private because they may know something you don’t know. Instead of standing with your teenager against the youth pastor, stand with the youth pastor against your teenager’s sin.
   4. Have the Courage to Confront. There is something “off” about your son—he’s always tired, he zones out at church, and he gets angry when you ask him to do anything. You sense something is wrong, and a quick look at his internet history confirms the worst. What to do? You know that if you talk to him about what you found, he’ll lash out and make your home miserable with his surliness. But this is where you need to love your son more than you love your own peace and comfort. When Paul confronted the church of Corinth about their sin, he insisted that he did so “not to cause you pain, but to let you know the abundant love that I have for you” (2 Cor. 2:4). Confrontation is an act of love. No matter how they respond in the moment, forcing their secret life into the light is absolutely necessary for the good of their souls.
   5. Rejoice in Repentance. When your child comes forward, their revelations can be painful—shocking, even. You may weep over the severity of their sin. It may change the way you look at them. You may feel betrayed by their deception and wonder whether you have failed as a parent. But there is rejoicing in heaven over every sinner who repents, and it should be our goal to join in that joy. Realize that it took tremendous courage for your teenager to reveal his secret and bring his dark deeds to light. He now stands before you naked and very much ashamed, and in this moment you have an opportunity to demonstrate your Father’s love by running to him, hugging him, placing your own robe on his shoulders, and slaying the fatted calf to celebrate that what was lost has now been found! Your joyful, gracious response may be the most tangible expression of the hope of the gospel your child has ever experienced.

Ultimately, it is always the kindness of God that leads us to repentance, and I pray that these steps will help you to offer your children God’s own kindness.