Little River

I grew up in eastern North Carolina, “in the sticks.” As a teenager, my folks built a house in the middle of nowhere, and my stepdad set out to “tame” the land—chasing critters, chopping down trees, and cleaning up the river.

Sometimes beavers dammed the river, flooding the woods and trapping trash. One day, he took me to clear a dam. I hated the idea: mosquitoes, spiders, leeches, the stench of stagnant water and garbage. Still, I pulled on chest-high waders, put on gloves, and stepped in. We tossed sticks aside, ripped out weeds, dragged trash to the bank.

When we climbed out, I peeled off the waders and realized I was still clean. No mud, no leeches—just a little sweat from the work. That day, I learned a valuable lesson: You can clean up a mess without becoming a mess.

That’s the challenge of toxic cultures—especially for people of faith. Surrounded by “it is what it is” and “that’s just how things work around here,” we’re still called to step into the mess and help change it, without letting it change who we are.

Living in a Dysfunctional Culture

Do you ever feel stuck in a dysfunctional culture—polarized, hostile, and fragmented? Or surrounded by superficiality, instant gratification, and “you do you” morality? Many of us face dysfunctional homes, office politics, toxic classmates, and constant manipulation. So how do Christians “clean up” the culture without the culture sticking to us? How do we pull apart the “toxic dams” around us without our clothes getting muddy?

Second Samuel begins with a bloody war between the dynasties of David and Saul. We see battle, bloodshed, civil war, rival generals, political maneuvering, deception, and betrayal. Many of the individuals in these dynasties grew up worshiping, singing psalms, offering sacrifices, and hearing Scripture. Stepping into the “real world” of adulthood was quite different as boys turned into soldiers and they were exposed to—and engaged in—manipulation and bloodshed. They were exposed to a broken and sinful culture, and many chose to participate in it and reinforce its patterns through the way they live.

But in 2 Samuel 3, David goes against the grain of the culture. As the long, messy war drags on, David refuses to seize power through revenge or manipulation when presented with the opportunity in this scene. He steps into the mess and shows us that you can clean up a mess without becoming a mess.

Following are three options for confronting a toxic culture that we observe in 2 Samuel 3.

Option 1: Avoid Culture — The Way of Ishbosheth

Avoidance is Ishbosheth’s specialty. He is a weak king caught in a leadership mess.

While war rages between the house of Saul and the house of David, Abner is “making himself strong” in Saul’s house. Ishbosheth finally confronts him over Saul’s concubine, accusing him of betrayal (2 Sam. 3:6–8). Whether the accusation is true or not, the dynamic is clear: Ishbosheth is a weak leader and Abner is an underhanded, manipulative power player.

In chapters 3–4, Ishbosheth does only two things: He passively lets his general do whatever he wants, and he takes a nap he never wakes up from. He proves to be a passive king of avoidance. Even his name betrays him as, when translated from Hebrew, it means “man of shame.”

“Ishbosheth could not answer Abner another word, because he feared him” (2 Sam. 3:11). That is leadership by avoidance: refusing to engage the mess, confront problems, or take responsibility.

We feel this pull too. It is easier to ignore the dysfunction in our homes, to dodge office politics, to stay out of church conflicts. Sometimes you do have to walk away for safety or sanity. But when avoidance becomes our default mode, the mess doesn’t disappear. We leave others to deal with it, and the toxicity and manipulation only grow.

Option 2: Adopt Culture — The Way of Joab

If Ishbosheth avoids the culture, Joab adopts it. He is a product of his culture.

After Ishbosheth’s weak confrontation, Abner crosses enemy lines to make a covenant with David, promising to “bring over all Israel” (2 Sam. 3:12). It looks like the civil war might finally end. Then the family mess erupts.

Joab, David’s commander, hears that Abner—who killed his brother Asahel in battle—is now making peace. Joab is furious and plots revenge. He secretly lures Abner back, pulls him aside as if to talk, and murders him “for the blood of Asahel his brother” (2 Sam. 3:26–27).

This is the logic of adoption: “You killed my brother; prepare to die.” It’s a bloody world, so I guess I need blood on my hands. It’s a muddy world, so I guess it doesn’t matter if I get muddy.

Saul mastered political maneuvering. Abner was skilled at manipulation. Joab embraced the same violent logic as everyone else.

We face the same temptation. Everyone cuts corners at work, so why shouldn’t you? Everyone gossips and manipulates in your friend group, so why not join in? However, just because the system is broken doesn’t mean you have to be. When we adopt the mess, we become part of the problem. We take on the culture’s manipulation and help perpetuate its dysfunction.

Option 3: Alter Culture — The Way of David

David chooses a different path: alteration. He doesn’t avoid the culture like Ishbosheth, and he doesn’t adopt it like Joab. He is countercultural.

In this story, David consistently acts with integrity. He seeks peace, uses diplomacy to end the civil war, and refuses to play the usual political games. The clearest window into his character comes in his response to Abner’s murder.

David orders Joab and the people to tear their clothes, put on sackcloth, and mourn. He himself walks behind Abner’s bier, weeps at his grave, and composes a public lament (2 Sam. 3:31–34). He even refuses to eat until sundown as an act of grief and protest. The people notice, and “it pleased them, as everything that the king did pleased all the people” (2 Sam. 3:36).

This is also the first time the narrator explicitly calls him “King David.” Up to this point, he has been anointed and called king by others, but now the story itself recognizes him as king—and repeats the title. At last, Israel has a leader who does not simply mirror the surrounding culture. David is not perfect, but he is transparent, ethical, and faithful. He is willing to get into the mud of leadership, yet he emerges clean.

How Can I Influence Without Sacrificing My Faith?

David wrestles with the same questions we all face:

• How do I influence a toxic culture without letting it change me?
• How do I speak up without losing my character?
• How do I engage problems without compromising my integrity?
• How do I clean up the mess without getting mud on my clothes or blood on my hands?

Like David, we are called to step into broken situations without adopting the world’s way of responding to them. We cannot avoid every difficult circumstance, nor should we mirror the manipulation, bitterness, or revenge around us. Instead, we are called to pursue integrity, faithfulness, and peace.

Step into the mess. Alter the culture by pursuing faithfulness where you are with integrity.