In less than two years as a pastor’s wife, I missed one Christmas Eve service and both Easter Sundays. I didn’t volunteer for VBS, I neglected the church’s social media (which very much needed help), and I didn’t step in when the youth group needed a female leader. I had a master’s degree in theology, a nice little resume of ministry service experience under my belt, and a genuine desire to use my gifts in service for my church.

So what went wrong?

As a new pastor’s wife, I was also a new mom. I was learning how to parent a toddler (which included realizing how often they get sick!) and transitioning to caring for two kids after my second child was born. I was also working part-time, trying to love my neighbors, care for my home, and emotionally support my bi-vocational pastor-husband. Yet every time I said “no” to something else, I was sure I was a disappointment. I was ridden with guilt for not doing more.

During that time, I heard a story of another pastor’s wife who, when asked about how she serves her church, often responds, “I take care of the pastor.” Regardless of what her other involvements with the church might have looked like, she had a clear understanding of her primary responsibility: her family.

While my husband is not currently in pastoral ministry, I’m still learning the same lesson. Everything I do has to work concurrently with my roles as wife and mom. If anything infringes on my ability to faithfully fulfill those two roles, it is a problem. Discerning this requires wisdom from God; faithfulness will look different for different women in different seasons. The principle remains, as a dear friend and mentor of mine put it, “No one else can be his wife. No one else can be their mom.”

As Christians, we are commanded to do all things unto the glory of God. In that, there is so much freedom in what our lives can look like—what work we do, where we live, how we spend our time. Do it all to the glory of God, and make disciples as you go. Yet for those of us who are wives and mothers, we have some additional, more specific commands on our lives:

“Older women…are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children…” (Titus 2:3–4).

Love your husband. Love your children. In whatever else you do (or don’t do), there is a lot of freedom. But these two things are essential, and there is no one else who can do them like you can. No one else can be his wife. No one else can be their mom.

Wife, love your husband.

Once prompted by a sermon application, I asked my husband some questions about how I could serve him better, including the question, “What is one way I’m serving you now that you really want me to keep doing?” I may never forget his answer, because I was almost offended. He said with the most sincere, profound appreciation, “I love that I never have to think about what I’m going to eat. Thank you for planning out all our meals.”

Sorry, what? That’s it? I don’t know what I was expecting. Perhaps some waxing eloquent about how I sharpen him through our theological discussions or support him by doing my best to fill in gaps at our church where I can. But no. He just likes that I feed him! Go figure.

This is a trite example perhaps, but it was a lesson to me in that sometimes the most impactful service is the simplest service. Meal planning is a practical way I love my husband, and no one else is going to do that for him.

Loving your husband does not have to be complicated, and it certainly shouldn’t be boastful or self-interested, as my heart is so often inclined to be. Loving your husband can look like meals, consistent intercessory prayer, getting up with the kids so he can rest, long hours at work while he’s in school, or a listening ear at the dinner table. You have to discern how it will look for you—in your home, your life stage, with your husband—but you must love him. It’s a job only you can do.

Mother, love your children.

From the time my first son was born, I’ve identified as “the expert” of my children. No one knows my boys like I do (though their daddy comes close). I have understood my toddler’s words best as he’s learned to speak; I know my boys’ sleep schedules, favorite things, and all their little idiosyncrasies. What a gift it is to learn a little more of who they are every day and to know them as their mother.

With that, what a burden I have to love them in the ways I know they need! They are so vulnerable and so dependent. I grow frustrated all too often in parenting, only to have the Holy Spirit remind me of how I am far more like my children than I am unlike them. My neediness before God is infinitely greater than my children’s neediness before me.

Loving children, though it is so challenging, is simple. Meet their needs. Train and discipline them in truth and love. Speak kindly. Play. It sounds so easy, but it is so much more difficult to do with consistency! May God give us strength and wisdom to obey the command to love our children. No one else can love your children like you can.

So the Word of God may not be reviled.

The passage from Titus 2 referenced earlier ends with a powerful “why” statement: “…that the Word of God may not be reviled.”

What a mission! May we not be the cause of the reviling—the slandering, smearing, defaming—of the Word of God. What basic yet profound tasks we have to do, to prevent this. Love our husbands. Love our children. Be self-controlled, kind, working at home, submissive to our own husbands. Simple obedience will yield Kingdom-impacting results—that the Word of God may not be reviled.

Praise God that we have abundant grace for us in Christ Jesus as we seek to be faithful to this calling. In and of ourselves, we cannot love our husbands and children as we should, but the Holy Spirit can empower us to do so. May He fuel our love for our husbands and children today and every day. No one else can be his wife; no one else can be their mom.

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Editor’s Note: To celebrate the important role of pastors’ wives in supporting their husbands and serving the local church, Midwestern Seminary is giving away two free round-trip tickets for a pastor and his wife to visit any city in the continental United States. When you enter, you’ll receive a free eBook copy of The Pastor’s Wife by Gloria Furman. Enter by September 5 for a chance to win.