A friend recently asked me what you do when you are not attracted to your husband. This is an excellent question for both men and women. What do you do if you are not attracted to your spouse?
Culture would have us believe that sexual attraction is self-contained and independent, a governing force that should be listened to, respected, and weighed when we make relationship decisions. The problem is that sexual attraction is inseparably tied to our psyche. (Our working definition of psyche is the mental or psychological structure of a person.)
When we vow "until death do us part" before God, we are to leave our father and mother and cling to our spouse. Something spiritual then happens; two become one. The business of two sinful beings becoming one is a work of the Spirit. I believe this is something that happens in a moment by Christ’s power. However, the fleshing out of this takes a lifetime as we are continually being made new in Christ. As we each become more like Christ, our oneness with our spouse is liberated to manifest in greater ways.
We have been made one in Christ, but we must work and grow to walk out and function in our oneness. “Unless the Lord builds the house the builder’s labor in vain” Prov 127:1a. The Lord is faithful to complete the work of unity in our marriage, so we can work in confidence.
All of us came into marriage with damaged psyches -- we were born with them. (“Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me” Ps 51:5.) Not only were we born into this collapsing humanity, but we are also living in a broken world.
We don’t have to go searching for our culture’s sexual influence, it is everywhere like radiation exposure. It is inescapable. Childhood sexual abuse, hyper sexualized media, the ethic of sexual freedom and entitlement, and addiction to pornography have all raked through our generation. And they are still bulldozing us, full steam ahead. All of these problems disfigure our sexuality from the original intention God had when he created us. Both spouses bring these injuries into marriage, and they have great effect.
Sexual attraction is the outgrowth of so many moving parts in a marriage. So if it is lacking or there are problems with intimacy, this is symptomatic that one or more of those moving parts are in disrepair and need attention and healing.
If you are not sexually attracted to your spouse or if your spouse is not attracted to you, the root lies in the spiritual, mental, and emotional health of our inner man.
The specifics will vary. It could be a drifting away or an eroding away of our spiritual and emotional intimacy. Sometimes it’s attack from the enemy that comes through in disconnected and distracted hearts. It may be complications of past abuse, shame from past or present sin, or wrong thinking based on the world’s ideas of sexuality.
The business of two becoming one is not seamless. There are edges and corners that must be smoothed, broken, and reshaped. This is also the process of becoming like Christ, becoming one with our Savior. Our oneness with our spouse will happen in tandem to our oneness with Christ.
Will you labor hard? Will you fight to become like Christ? Will you fight for oneness with your Savior and for oneness with your spouse?
Christian, there is no scenario under the sun where Christ will not show up in mighty power to heal our marriages when we seek restoration. Satan hates marriage, because each of our love stories are intended to reflect and declare the greatest love story that has ever been, Christ and his church.
Wherever this post may find you there is still hope to be one with your spouse for a lifetime.
Ephesians 5:31-32 ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
This article does not address the possible biological and physiological causes that could impact sexual attraction. Please always seek medical advice from your physician.